Paradox

[irishredlass]

 Okay, I am sitting here and I am contemplating my life or I should say my life situtation.  I am single.  I have never been married.  I have come close but the guy got cold feet, literally.  That is my own gallows humor, but that is what I am left with since he died 7 months before we were to wed.   In retrospect I would say that I am better off because we would not have lasted and if we did I would not be the person that I am today.  That is my paradox.    I am a resonably attractive, above average intelligence, female in my late 30's.  I live alone, no children, no pets and my family is 1500 miles away.   I see nothing wrong with these facts and I am for the most part happy. 

I went out to breakfast with a girlfriend and her husband Saturaday morning and we ran into some friends of theirs.  Somehow the conversation got on to marraige and couples. My friend made an observation that I am not sure that I am comfortable with she said that I am single because I am too independent.  I wonder if this is true or is it the opposite?  Am I independent because I am single? She maintains that my independce and intelligence frightens me away from me.  Admittedly I can be blunt and I am honest to a fault.  It is not that I have made the conscious effort to remain single.  I have had relationships and I want to be loved, but I cannot suffer fools.  I have in the past gone through the pity party of what is wrong with me? Why am I alone?

What are your thoughts?

Comments

[little-beloved.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so, so sorry for your losses. It is so lovely that you still cherish the memories of your sons and daughter, and wonder what might have been. It really is a privelege to be a mother, and it's very sad that a lot of mothers don't realise that, while there are so many people who yearn for a child.

You are in my thoughts!