Paradox

[irishredlass]

 Okay, I am sitting here and I am contemplating my life or I should say my life situtation.  I am single.  I have never been married.  I have come close but the guy got cold feet, literally.  That is my own gallows humor, but that is what I am left with since he died 7 months before we were to wed.   In retrospect I would say that I am better off because we would not have lasted and if we did I would not be the person that I am today.  That is my paradox.    I am a resonably attractive, above average intelligence, female in my late 30's.  I live alone, no children, no pets and my family is 1500 miles away.   I see nothing wrong with these facts and I am for the most part happy. 

I went out to breakfast with a girlfriend and her husband Saturaday morning and we ran into some friends of theirs.  Somehow the conversation got on to marraige and couples. My friend made an observation that I am not sure that I am comfortable with she said that I am single because I am too independent.  I wonder if this is true or is it the opposite?  Am I independent because I am single? She maintains that my independce and intelligence frightens me away from me.  Admittedly I can be blunt and I am honest to a fault.  It is not that I have made the conscious effort to remain single.  I have had relationships and I want to be loved, but I cannot suffer fools.  I have in the past gone through the pity party of what is wrong with me? Why am I alone?

What are your thoughts?

Comments

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

Why are you alone?

Well, there could be many answers. I'm guessing that you haven't met the right person (yet) and have too mucch self-respect to settle for just anyone.

There could be envy involved in such talk. I know I'm envious of women our age who are independent, despite what I love about the life I have. Every choice involves something one didn't do. Very few people are fully comfortable in their lives. As for being blunt and direct - it's difficult for others to deal with because there is so little of it in life. I think that one is the way one is - people who choose to count themselves your friends shouldn't be expecting you to be other than you are.

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

First, I will thank you for your reply. Second, I feel that I must clarify one item. My friend does not really wish me to be different than I am. She does and has admitted that she does envy me. Not because she has a bad marriage because she honestly has one of the best marriages I have ever seen. She is quite fortunate. She is quite young though--early twenties. God where has the time gone when we consider that to be young.

This though still leaves me with the fact that I am single and I am independent. These are two facts that cannot be denied. You are right, I am not willing to settle. For me to commit my life to another they would have to be able to keep up with me intellectually while still meeting my needs emotionally and psychologically and they would have to meet my standards of morality. All of this is apparently a tall order.

I am not saying I am a paragon of virtue; heaven forbid. I am as flawed as the next person. I am human.

Again thanks for your reply.

[little-beloved.livejournal.com]

I think that a lot of this has more to do with society than with you. I happen to be happily married with kids. We're lucky, it has worked out. I have friends who are married and NEVER want kids, and they seem happy. I know people who have kids and/or are married, at they are not at all happy. I have single friends, and most of them seem happy.

I have one friend in particlular who is 42, single, was in a ten-year long relationship in her 20s/30s, and she is a very happy, independent, opinionated, warm, caring person. You sound rather like her, and she is one of my favourite people. Why does society seem to want to see us all in couples with kids? Why should that necessarily make us happy? If I didn't have Paul (my hubby), I am fairly sure I would prefer to be single than looking about for someone.

Don't let married people make you feel uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with you - I'm sure you're wonderful the way you are - and I think single life can be wonderful and rewarding. The world is overcrowded as it is - we're all killing the environment - and I don't see why we should all be in couples and procreating!!! If you are happy as you are, why should you change it?

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

ahhh but here is the crux of my problem. You mention repeatedly the one thing I am not completely happy about in my life. I love children and have always desired to be mother. Notice I do not say necessarily a wife and mother. That is because I have never felt that I needed to be married to be complete. I have no desire to be half of a whole. That is my independence. But I have felt that my one true failing in life is to not carry a child to term. I have carried a child (three in fact) a set of twins to my 27th week and a single child to my 18th week. Alas, none of my children lived to draw a breath. I think often of Anthony Matthias and Zachary William who would have been twenty this coming June and their younger sister, Colleen Marie, who would have been 11 this last December. Though they never knew life they will always know love. I think that is why my favorite song by Elton John is so poignant for me. If you have never listened to the lyrics of his son Blessed I highly recommend it. I envy you your children. They are a miracle and a gift that deserve to be cherished. I envy you your role as a mother. It is one that I will never know. It has come to the point where women my age are speaking of grandchildren and yes, my sons could have well made me a grandmother by now. I will always wonder what kind of men they would have become.

I am laxed in offering you my own condolences on your resent loss. It breaks my heart that your little neice will never know how truly loved she must have been by her grandfather. It will be up to her family to keep him alive in her heart.

Blessed Be my friend.

[little-beloved.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so, so sorry for your losses. It is so lovely that you still cherish the memories of your sons and daughter, and wonder what might have been. It really is a privelege to be a mother, and it's very sad that a lot of mothers don't realise that, while there are so many people who yearn for a child.

You are in my thoughts!

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom. You are quite right when you said that my friend had raised some doubts within. They are doubts that I have harbored many times over. The "what is wrong with me?" question is one of my favorites when I find my self lounging on the pot of pity.

I admire your courage for being able to make a marriage work with a person of such disparit personality. I, quite honestly, could not do so. You are, indeed, a strong woman.

I too find joy in academic pursuits, oh to be a professional student. The odd thing is that I am actually quite drawn to nurturing pursuits, as well. I love to cook, bake, crochet and tend a home. My home just happens to only have one inhabitant. Therefore, my coworkers are delighted when I go on a baking spree.

Thank you again.

[servantofall36.livejournal.com]

Now I feel a fool! I deleted the comment you replied to because I did not feel I had said what needed to be said! Well, I think God had a different plan there! Very apparently so, as you got the comment regardless of my fumbling.

Anyway, I am glad to have been of service. And I agree, "Oh, to be a professional student." Hahahaha.

I, too, enjoy cooking, baking, etc. It seems we have much in common.

I friended you. So, blessings, Friend.

Elizabeth

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

Oh what a wonderful chuckle. Never feel the fool when a higher power is guiding our hands.

Apparently we do have many things in common. I have always attributed my characteristics to the fact that I am a Cancer (Astrologically but my brothers may take the other definition hee hee).

Friended you as well.

Shawny