Paradox

[irishredlass]

 Okay, I am sitting here and I am contemplating my life or I should say my life situtation.  I am single.  I have never been married.  I have come close but the guy got cold feet, literally.  That is my own gallows humor, but that is what I am left with since he died 7 months before we were to wed.   In retrospect I would say that I am better off because we would not have lasted and if we did I would not be the person that I am today.  That is my paradox.    I am a resonably attractive, above average intelligence, female in my late 30's.  I live alone, no children, no pets and my family is 1500 miles away.   I see nothing wrong with these facts and I am for the most part happy. 

I went out to breakfast with a girlfriend and her husband Saturaday morning and we ran into some friends of theirs.  Somehow the conversation got on to marraige and couples. My friend made an observation that I am not sure that I am comfortable with she said that I am single because I am too independent.  I wonder if this is true or is it the opposite?  Am I independent because I am single? She maintains that my independce and intelligence frightens me away from me.  Admittedly I can be blunt and I am honest to a fault.  It is not that I have made the conscious effort to remain single.  I have had relationships and I want to be loved, but I cannot suffer fools.  I have in the past gone through the pity party of what is wrong with me? Why am I alone?

What are your thoughts?

Comments

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

ahhh but here is the crux of my problem. You mention repeatedly the one thing I am not completely happy about in my life. I love children and have always desired to be mother. Notice I do not say necessarily a wife and mother. That is because I have never felt that I needed to be married to be complete. I have no desire to be half of a whole. That is my independence. But I have felt that my one true failing in life is to not carry a child to term. I have carried a child (three in fact) a set of twins to my 27th week and a single child to my 18th week. Alas, none of my children lived to draw a breath. I think often of Anthony Matthias and Zachary William who would have been twenty this coming June and their younger sister, Colleen Marie, who would have been 11 this last December. Though they never knew life they will always know love. I think that is why my favorite song by Elton John is so poignant for me. If you have never listened to the lyrics of his son Blessed I highly recommend it. I envy you your children. They are a miracle and a gift that deserve to be cherished. I envy you your role as a mother. It is one that I will never know. It has come to the point where women my age are speaking of grandchildren and yes, my sons could have well made me a grandmother by now. I will always wonder what kind of men they would have become.

I am laxed in offering you my own condolences on your resent loss. It breaks my heart that your little neice will never know how truly loved she must have been by her grandfather. It will be up to her family to keep him alive in her heart.

Blessed Be my friend.

[little-beloved.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so, so sorry for your losses. It is so lovely that you still cherish the memories of your sons and daughter, and wonder what might have been. It really is a privelege to be a mother, and it's very sad that a lot of mothers don't realise that, while there are so many people who yearn for a child.

You are in my thoughts!