The Date Queen

[irishredlass]

 In my family I have the notorious moniker of "The Date Queen"  this nickname came about as  I have the uncanny ability to remember just about anything that has to do with numbers and particularly dates.  Want to ask what date something happened or when somebodies birthday is "just ask Shawny".  In most instances this is bloody useful.  Heck I even know the birthdates of my great grandparents on both sides of the family and they had died before I was born.  Unfortunately, this ability also transcends to dates that I would rather forget.

Tomorrow, Valentines Day is one of those dates. Nineteen years ago I lost by darling boys in my 27th week of pregnancy.  Zachary Mathias and Anthony William were due June 28th (the day after my 20th birthday). They may never have lived to draw a breath but they were a blessing all the same.  At this time of year I often find myself wondering what they would have been like?  Would they have taken after their father a full blooded German or would they have taken after their mother having red curly hair?  What color would their eyes have been both their parent eyes were green? Would they have inherited my fiery temper or there father's stoic obstinance?  When I get this way I play one of my favorite Elton John songs Blessed.  If you have never listened to it I encourage you to do so.  It is beautiful in its expression and melody.

So, forgive me my friends if I do not send Valentines and frilly hearts even after 19 years I do not find that I have the fortitude.  I am only grateful that I know longer work with children on this day.  I used to always take a personal day and make a sub deal with the parties.  Then later when I worked in a drug and alcohol rehab center for pregnant and parenting women it was best I not be around women that I felt undeserving of their children.  

I no longer wallow for days on end and will be in a better frame of mind soon.  I know everything happens for a reason and there is a time for every season. 

Comments

[subvers.livejournal.com]

Oh, my dear - I cried for your boys, Zachary Mathias and Anthony William. All I can offer is a hug and a heart full of sympathy.

Some dates deserve to be remembered.

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I've been there - three miscarriages - and can imagine your loss. Because it is a genuine loss, even though your darling boys never even had their first moments of life.

Take care of yourself. *hugs*

[little-beloved.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey! What a melancholy day for you. But how wonderful, that after all this time, you still think of your boys and consider them a blessing.

I know exactly what you mean about women who are undeserving of their children. A close friend of mine lost her baby a few years ago, and when she was returning to her car with her husband from the hospital, the women in the car next to theirs had a newborn and a toddler in her car. She was smoking with all the windows shut and screaming at the toddler to 'shut the f*** up'. My friend said it just made her feel so bitter for a time.

You would have made such a wonderful Mom. It is very touching how you wonder what your sons would have been like. I hope you'll feel a little better tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you all day. *hugs and makes you nice cup of tea*