Paradox

[irishredlass]

 Okay, I am sitting here and I am contemplating my life or I should say my life situtation.  I am single.  I have never been married.  I have come close but the guy got cold feet, literally.  That is my own gallows humor, but that is what I am left with since he died 7 months before we were to wed.   In retrospect I would say that I am better off because we would not have lasted and if we did I would not be the person that I am today.  That is my paradox.    I am a resonably attractive, above average intelligence, female in my late 30's.  I live alone, no children, no pets and my family is 1500 miles away.   I see nothing wrong with these facts and I am for the most part happy. 

I went out to breakfast with a girlfriend and her husband Saturaday morning and we ran into some friends of theirs.  Somehow the conversation got on to marraige and couples. My friend made an observation that I am not sure that I am comfortable with she said that I am single because I am too independent.  I wonder if this is true or is it the opposite?  Am I independent because I am single? She maintains that my independce and intelligence frightens me away from me.  Admittedly I can be blunt and I am honest to a fault.  It is not that I have made the conscious effort to remain single.  I have had relationships and I want to be loved, but I cannot suffer fools.  I have in the past gone through the pity party of what is wrong with me? Why am I alone?

What are your thoughts?

Comments

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

Why are you alone?

Well, there could be many answers. I'm guessing that you haven't met the right person (yet) and have too mucch self-respect to settle for just anyone.

There could be envy involved in such talk. I know I'm envious of women our age who are independent, despite what I love about the life I have. Every choice involves something one didn't do. Very few people are fully comfortable in their lives. As for being blunt and direct - it's difficult for others to deal with because there is so little of it in life. I think that one is the way one is - people who choose to count themselves your friends shouldn't be expecting you to be other than you are.

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

First, I will thank you for your reply. Second, I feel that I must clarify one item. My friend does not really wish me to be different than I am. She does and has admitted that she does envy me. Not because she has a bad marriage because she honestly has one of the best marriages I have ever seen. She is quite fortunate. She is quite young though--early twenties. God where has the time gone when we consider that to be young.

This though still leaves me with the fact that I am single and I am independent. These are two facts that cannot be denied. You are right, I am not willing to settle. For me to commit my life to another they would have to be able to keep up with me intellectually while still meeting my needs emotionally and psychologically and they would have to meet my standards of morality. All of this is apparently a tall order.

I am not saying I am a paragon of virtue; heaven forbid. I am as flawed as the next person. I am human.

Again thanks for your reply.