irishredlass (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
irishredlass) wrote2008-07-28 07:59 pm
irishredlass) wrote2008-07-28 07:59 pm
Seeking Advice
Okay, flist I need some help here. My brother is being a complete and utter jerk to my niece (his step daughter) and though I understand his position I think his actions will ultimately make things worse.
My niece is a rather immature 19 almost 20 year old, the youngest of five and very "sensitive". In the last five or six years she has lived through moving away from the only home she knew, the divorce of her parents (I might add her father is an ass), the death of her best friend and the deaths of a grand parent and one of her older brothers. To say the least she has been through a lot in her young life. They have had her in and out of counseling and on and off and on again antidepressants. She is very bright but, since entering college has failed to work to her potential. The girl scored over 1500 on her SATs and is averaging a 1.7 in college ( that is not even a passing grade!).
My brother long ago put a timer lock on her computer to limit her internet access because she was wasting her life away online. She has tried without success to get me to intercede with my brother, on her behalf, and now has conned one of her brothers into defending her without knowing the full story. My brother is basically fed up and is ready to tell her that if she wants to be treated as a grown up then she needs to move out and ship her back to Kansas to live off her father. This idea gives me the creeps because the man literally made a pass at me at his own son's funeral and one of the main reasons my sister in law divorced him is he has an internet porn addiction as well as frequently the strip clubs. Not a good environment for my niece.
How do I get my brother to understand that he cannot rule her life and he needs to let her make mistakes to grow from while still having the support of a family that loves her. I know his biggest problem is he loves her and does not want to see her waste her life and her potential.
Any suggestions?
My niece is a rather immature 19 almost 20 year old, the youngest of five and very "sensitive". In the last five or six years she has lived through moving away from the only home she knew, the divorce of her parents (I might add her father is an ass), the death of her best friend and the deaths of a grand parent and one of her older brothers. To say the least she has been through a lot in her young life. They have had her in and out of counseling and on and off and on again antidepressants. She is very bright but, since entering college has failed to work to her potential. The girl scored over 1500 on her SATs and is averaging a 1.7 in college ( that is not even a passing grade!).
My brother long ago put a timer lock on her computer to limit her internet access because she was wasting her life away online. She has tried without success to get me to intercede with my brother, on her behalf, and now has conned one of her brothers into defending her without knowing the full story. My brother is basically fed up and is ready to tell her that if she wants to be treated as a grown up then she needs to move out and ship her back to Kansas to live off her father. This idea gives me the creeps because the man literally made a pass at me at his own son's funeral and one of the main reasons my sister in law divorced him is he has an internet porn addiction as well as frequently the strip clubs. Not a good environment for my niece.
How do I get my brother to understand that he cannot rule her life and he needs to let her make mistakes to grow from while still having the support of a family that loves her. I know his biggest problem is he loves her and does not want to see her waste her life and her potential.
Any suggestions?
no subject
I'm closer to your niece in age and have experience with friends' parents (and aunts and uncles...) who just will not let go of the reins no matter how mature their adult children are. By the sounds of your niece's condition, though (and I cannot imagine living through the deaths of my sister and best friends at our age), it seems incredibly difficult: on the one hand, she is of adult age, but with psychological issues or depression it seems difficult to discern whether she is fully capable of making decisions for herself. Then again, severe parenting like that is rarely the answer, at least not in any situations I've seen. It exacerbates the problem and the child's desire to rebel. Clearly, it's dangerous for her to go to her father's house, but your brother is at the end of his rope. This just sounds so tough, and there is no clear answer.
I do like Beth's contract idea. I know people who have signed similar contracts (admittedly, they were mostly just incredibly lazy and their parents were sick of it). It seems like everyone sitting down and discussing their concerns reasonably (if possible) could be productive. I imagine that's already been tried, though.
I'm hoping for the best for you and your family -- you all clearly love each other and just want what's best. I sympathize with your niece, and it sounds like a trying time for everyone involved. My prayers are with you and yours.