Seeking Advice

[irishredlass]

Okay, flist I need some help here.  My brother is being a complete and utter jerk to my niece (his step daughter) and though I understand his position I think his actions will ultimately make things worse.

My niece is a rather immature 19 almost 20 year old, the youngest of five and very "sensitive".  In the last five or six years she has lived through moving away from the only home she knew, the divorce of her parents (I might add her father is an ass), the death of her best friend and the deaths of a grand parent and one of her older brothers.  To say the least she has been through a lot in her young life.  They have had her in and out of counseling and on and off and on again antidepressants.  She is very bright but, since entering college has failed to work to her potential.  The girl scored over 1500 on her SATs and is averaging a 1.7 in college ( that is not even a passing grade!).

My brother long ago put a timer lock on her computer to limit her internet access because she was wasting her life away online.  She has tried without success to get me to intercede with my brother, on her behalf, and now has conned one of her brothers into defending her without knowing the full story.  My brother is basically fed up and is ready to tell her that if she wants to be treated as a grown up then she needs to move out and ship her back to Kansas to live off her father.  This idea gives me the creeps because the man literally made a pass at me at his own son's funeral and one of the main reasons my sister in law divorced him is he has an internet porn addiction as well as frequently the strip clubs.  Not a good environment for my niece.  

How do I get my brother to understand that he cannot rule her life and he needs to let her make mistakes to grow from while still having the support of a family that loves her.  I know his biggest problem is he loves her and does not want to see her waste her life  and her potential.  

Any suggestions? 

Comments

[beffeysue.livejournal.com]

First of all, let me say at the beginning that trying to answer a question such as this, from many hundreds of miles away, and knowing nothing about the people involved, is a little like attempting target practice from miles away while wearing a blindfold.

However — I will try to tell you a few things that I do know that are consistent with a reasonable approach to dealing with young adults who are still dependent on their families for bed and board.

As long as someone who is 19+ years old is partaking of the largess of his/her family, friends, or other loved ones, having clearly stated ground rules to which they are expected to adhere is an absolute necessity.

I good friend with whom my husband worked at a hospital for the treatment the of addictions and behavioral problems, and who is a Ph.D. in clinical counselling, stated it this way: "Fat dog don't run no rabbit."

The good doctor was not trying to be funny. What he was saying is that there is no reason on God's green Earth for anyone to make any effort to 1) change themselves, 2) become responsible, 3) help around the house, 4) clean up her room, 5) do better, 6) contribute to the welfare of the family, ..... if they get every thing they want provided to them by said family, friends, or other loved ones.

If she is dealing with a clinical depression and taking medication for it, she should be seeing a psychiatrist trained in the use of these medications, at least for the monitoring of the meds. And she may also need to be undergoing counselling with the psychiatrist or a licensed clinical counsellor.

But, and this is a BIG BUT, if she has absolutely no inclination to want to change anything about herself, no one can make her. In this situation, she is holding all of the trump cards — every last one of them.

The way to PERHAPS make her want to change some things is to have a reasonable and clearly defined contract for her, that she will be expected to sign, and which will spell out in great detail what is expected of her, as well what is expected of her parents (and what penalty will occur if any of the parties falls down on the job). If she wants to continue to live at home, she will have to sign the contract and live by it.

Having a timer lock on a computer falls under the Good Column of the list of things parents can do.

Everything I have said is of no use if your niece is psychotic, but from your description, I take it that she is depressed.

I hope I have given you a few things to think about that may help your brother and sister-in-law to find their way in this situation. It is not an easy thing to deal with.

I send you and your family my heart felt prayers for quiet hearts and a decent night's sleep.
Beth

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

Beth,

I do understand the problem of miles away! Though I know the people I too am miles away from the people involved... I get it all over the phone.

I understand the idea of a contract and I think this would be a good idea but, I fear my brother can be very unreasonable. He is a very loving man but, hides that love under a very harsh demanding exterior. My brother and I grew up quickly: my oldest brother has Autism and my mother was not the best mother. When my father died I was only six and number 2 brother (the one that is married) was 13 he became my father figure and really had a large hand in raising me ( I even tie my shoes left handed though I am right handed because he taught me how). He raised me through fear. I was terrified to do anything wrong.

I have a fairly stiff spine and learned to stand up to him but, my niece is not the type to do this. She has been coddled by her mother, grandparents and older brothers. She has never held a real job in her life and is basically drifting...she is lost and my brother losing his temper is not going to help matters.

I thank you for your insight now to figure out how to get him to listen to reason from 1500 miles away.
Irish

[lady-rhian.livejournal.com]

I fear I'll be nowhere near as helpful as Beth in these matters.

I'm closer to your niece in age and have experience with friends' parents (and aunts and uncles...) who just will not let go of the reins no matter how mature their adult children are. By the sounds of your niece's condition, though (and I cannot imagine living through the deaths of my sister and best friends at our age), it seems incredibly difficult: on the one hand, she is of adult age, but with psychological issues or depression it seems difficult to discern whether she is fully capable of making decisions for herself. Then again, severe parenting like that is rarely the answer, at least not in any situations I've seen. It exacerbates the problem and the child's desire to rebel. Clearly, it's dangerous for her to go to her father's house, but your brother is at the end of his rope. This just sounds so tough, and there is no clear answer.

I do like Beth's contract idea. I know people who have signed similar contracts (admittedly, they were mostly just incredibly lazy and their parents were sick of it). It seems like everyone sitting down and discussing their concerns reasonably (if possible) could be productive. I imagine that's already been tried, though.

I'm hoping for the best for you and your family -- you all clearly love each other and just want what's best. I sympathize with your niece, and it sounds like a trying time for everyone involved. My prayers are with you and yours.