Opinions and Advice please...

[irishredlass]

Okay, here is my problem:

I am beginning to think I am either the most expendable person in the universe or just a doormat and I do not know how to fix the problem, but I am getting tired of it.

First, there is my Eagle and his new twit. Last weekend was all a flurry, he was in the hospital and I was needed. I put everything on hold (not that I had any major plans) and went to his side. I spent the better part of 4 days in the ICU with him and then ran all of the needed errands when he was released. We made plans that I would go over there today and spend some time. I called last evening to confirm those plans and was told perhaps next weekend would be more convenient for them. They had decided that Sunday would be "chore day". So, I was put off because it was a higher priority that they weed and feed the lawn.

Then, there is my friend Cat. There have been any number of times I could name where I have dropped everything to be there for her. She is going through some difficult times with her daughter and she and her partner of five years have split. I have even assisted her financially because of the mess her partner left her with. Well, I just tried to call her to see what she was up to. She was very cold on the phone and I was simply told "I'm busy". (She was fishing, btw)

Shall we go on... basically I am the friend that is there whenever my friends need me: they can call on me anytime of the day or night (and they have)and I am there, I am counselor, emotional support, physical support, whatever they need I provide. Yet, I am not a priority to any of my friends. This is not the first time I have experienced these brush offs and I am getting just a little sick and tired of it. I value my friends and want to be able to spend time with them, but I am tired of being put off or rescheduled. Yet, time and time again I find myself willing to change my plans and schedules for them because this is the only way I can see them or spend time with them.

Is it wrong of me to feel insulted because weed and feed is more important? Is it wrong that I feel slighted because I friend I have been there for through thick and thin cannot spend 5 minutes talking to me because she would rather be baiting a hook?

How do I make the people in my life realize that they are making me feel used and useless at the same time? Or am I wrong?

Comments

[septentrion1970.livejournal.com]

This isn't wrong of you. You're worth the time of others. If they don't understand, it'd be good for them and you to make them understand. *hugs*

[savine-snape.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It isn't wrong to hope that thoses you are there for will be there for you when you need them.

*passes drink of choice*

*more hugs*

[miamadwyn.livejournal.com]

I know it's not this simple. I know this. But honestly, this is what I would want to do.

Next time somebody needs you, I'd be ready to respond with, "I'm sorry, but I have to weed-and-feed today," or with, "I'm busy."

[elise-wanderer.livejournal.com]

You are not a doormat or even remotely expendable. It's just a really hard balance to maintain. I've been thinking about situations recently where I've been on one side or the other of these tricky human equations.

I have one friend who sometimes feels really needy--calling every day (hey, I don't talk to ANYBODY every day), but then goes for very long stretches where she's out of touch, and I am still having a bit of difficulty figuring out how much contact *I* want with her. Usually, I don't want/need to see her as often as she seems to need me, and that sometimes makes me feel guilty.

Yet there was a long stretch when we had only sporadic contact, and it turned out that she was staying away because a casual thing had made her mad at me--and I hadn't really minded that she was being distant! This minor thing bothered her for so long (I had promised to lend her a book but forgot, and she took that as my not wanting her to have it, which she then inflated into my being generally insincere--I think that was her beef, I'm still not quite sure!), and the whole thing now has made me wary of her.

For the most part, however, I've gotten better at balancing how much to give and how much to expect in return from most of my friends. I'm just this side of cynical about it, though I prefer to think of it as being realistic: for the most part, people are self-centered but not necessarily because they're evil or even because they don't love you. They just see the need to weed a garden or bait a hook as the thing they want to do right now and fail to see how that makes them look in your eyes.

I've got a couple of friends who really would give me a kidney if it came to that, but even they aren't always as available to my need for them every time I'd like them to be.

I'm not advocating doing the same thing back to them. Because you're more sensitive and open-eyed, that would just make YOU feel lousy. They wouldn't necessarily make the connection on their own. Subtle doesn't work most of the time.

But you could either have an honest talk with them (do it soon, though, don't let things fester like my friend did) and tell them how it made you feel, or you can refocus on your own life and try to see the things you choose to do to be a decent human being and a good friend as just the things you choose to do, expecting that they might get recognized but won't always.

And I would suggest that you find a few more times when *you've* planned to weed and go fishing (and hang out with your online friends, cuz we love ya, and we've never even met ya!) for yourself. Yes, drop everything when there's a true emergency (bless you for all that ICU time, you wonderful woman!), but it isn't always necessary to be endlessly available for the rest of the world. You'll be a better friend if you're living your own life while you're doing it.

*squishes you*

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

Honestly, if I were you, the Eagle and his Twit's change of plans would hurt me beyond belief. You had plans, but they changed them for reasons that really aren't that important. That's a capital offense in my books, especially if it happens on a regular basis. If their reasons weren't actually that, but more important (like he's feeling like crap again), they owe you the respect of an honest answer.

Be angry with him. He's treating you like shit and deserves your anger.

But that's me. I value honesty and loyalty so incredibly highly.

Did you make plans with Cat while you were on the phone? Or make plans to make plans? Because casual visits are a tricky thing nowadays. I understand that you might be willing to drop everything for a casual visit, but not everyone is. That's a difference in priorities. Your friends are your priorities because they give you pleasure, that is your form of relaxation or recreation. For some people, it's not. Friends are still important, but their special "me" time isn't necessarily reserved for friends.

However, she has hurt you, even if it wasn't intended. As long as she can take it, tell her that her response was hurtful and why. It's possible that she'll be mortified that that's how she came off. Probable, even. Then you can work out a way to communicate each of your needs more openly.

Just my opinion and advice. *hugs*

[m-mcgonagall-65.livejournal.com]

I agree with a lot of what elise_wanderer said. You are a nurturer, and so it makes you happy to do things for your friends. Not everyone is so nurturing, so you can't always expect them to be.

On the other hand, it seems to me that there treatment of you has been insensitive at best. Telling them that their actions hurt you will at least help to bring things out into the open so that you can discuss them.

You know, I wonder if the twit feels threatened by you. Eagle wouldn't want to say that perhaps and so keeps putting you off with lame excuses.

[beffeysue.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey! I'm sorry this has happened again. You deserve so much better treatment than that! Everyonehas had had good advice, so I don't know what else I could add except to say I love you, dear friend.

Beth

[ihkelele.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I'm late, and nearly anything I could think has already been said. I agree in particular with Elise_Wanderer (and what a gorgeous cheering-up gift BTW!) and Lula, in the sense that you probably should firstly try to sort things out with yourself. Why do you do what you do for these people, what are you expecting from them, how are your expectations likely to be met.
THEN you should confront them, keeping in mind that you are a wonderful person and don't deserve to be dismissed or treated poorly. I wouldn't tell them how "they make you feel" (it would only add to their feeling indebted and could even result in more hurt - I experience this with my son: when he feels guilty he becomes aggressive and says things he doesn't really think, just for defence) but rather, and very sternly, how "you expect to be treated" - speaking of the hurt might come later, once things have been settled somehow and you are safely into a rational exchange.

Besides the differences in character, nurturing aspects vs. need for "me-time," etc. there's another point I've learned with time, i.e. that any tangible 'give' (like favours done, time spent helping, and, worst of all, money lent) often generates the opposite effect in the receiver. They feel grateful, but they also feel indebted, and have no idea how to reciprocate, nor, which is worse, how the giver is expecting them to reciprocate.
It's like they are afraid the giver has a right to ask more than they are prepared to allow in return - and they usually take the coward way out. I'm not saying that people do that consciously, but at times it's easier to deal with fish and hook or with gardening than with people, in particular when there are layers of unspoken feelings involved.

*squishes you*

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

Hmph. Does this sound familiar... I had a friend for whom I was there lots and lots. I listened to her whines and gripes and misinterpretations of the world, gave her a shoulder to cry on, and encouragement to move on. When I needed her, when I was going through post-natal depression, I was apparently "using" her by telephoning every week and wanting to talk about things other than how awful was feeling. I tried to fix the friendship a couple of years later, and I came away from that weekend wondering if there had ever been a friendship at all.

I can only pass on the wisest of wise words froma very wise man who was my supervisor at university:

If people take you for granted and use you and disregard your feelings and assume you won't mind, whatever they do, there is no point geetting all loud and aggressive about it - but what you MUST do is tell them, clearly and calmly that what they are doing is unacceptable, and why it is unacceptable.

So - Eagle, having received years of your care and support, and having been helped through a terrible crisis by you, turnns round and tells you he'd rather mow the lawn than spend some time with you. So tell him, with no sarcasm or anger - that's unkind and hurtful; I am unhappy that you rate me lower than a tidy garden; there's nothing I can do about your attitude, but you should know that I am deeply unhappy about this. Period. Same approach with the friend.

People find it hard to take this kind of calm assertiveness - and believe me it is hard to do. It also risks, for you, leaving behind some things that have been a part of your life (people, behaviours) for a long time - and that hurts. But it hurts more to let yourself be used and thrown away. You're worth more than that.

I know it's easy to say this sort of thing, especially at such distance, and when you and I don't even know what kind of friends we would be to each other if we had a closer relationship, but I don't like to see anyone with your kind of strength being so taken for granted.