irishredlass (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
irishredlass) wrote2009-05-24 02:04 pm
irishredlass) wrote2009-05-24 02:04 pm
Opinions and Advice please...
Okay, here is my problem:
I am beginning to think I am either the most expendable person in the universe or just a doormat and I do not know how to fix the problem, but I am getting tired of it.
First, there is my Eagle and his new twit. Last weekend was all a flurry, he was in the hospital and I was needed. I put everything on hold (not that I had any major plans) and went to his side. I spent the better part of 4 days in the ICU with him and then ran all of the needed errands when he was released. We made plans that I would go over there today and spend some time. I called last evening to confirm those plans and was told perhaps next weekend would be more convenient for them. They had decided that Sunday would be "chore day". So, I was put off because it was a higher priority that they weed and feed the lawn.
Then, there is my friend Cat. There have been any number of times I could name where I have dropped everything to be there for her. She is going through some difficult times with her daughter and she and her partner of five years have split. I have even assisted her financially because of the mess her partner left her with. Well, I just tried to call her to see what she was up to. She was very cold on the phone and I was simply told "I'm busy". (She was fishing, btw)
Shall we go on... basically I am the friend that is there whenever my friends need me: they can call on me anytime of the day or night (and they have)and I am there, I am counselor, emotional support, physical support, whatever they need I provide. Yet, I am not a priority to any of my friends. This is not the first time I have experienced these brush offs and I am getting just a little sick and tired of it. I value my friends and want to be able to spend time with them, but I am tired of being put off or rescheduled. Yet, time and time again I find myself willing to change my plans and schedules for them because this is the only way I can see them or spend time with them.
Is it wrong of me to feel insulted because weed and feed is more important? Is it wrong that I feel slighted because I friend I have been there for through thick and thin cannot spend 5 minutes talking to me because she would rather be baiting a hook?
How do I make the people in my life realize that they are making me feel used and useless at the same time? Or am I wrong?
I am beginning to think I am either the most expendable person in the universe or just a doormat and I do not know how to fix the problem, but I am getting tired of it.
First, there is my Eagle and his new twit. Last weekend was all a flurry, he was in the hospital and I was needed. I put everything on hold (not that I had any major plans) and went to his side. I spent the better part of 4 days in the ICU with him and then ran all of the needed errands when he was released. We made plans that I would go over there today and spend some time. I called last evening to confirm those plans and was told perhaps next weekend would be more convenient for them. They had decided that Sunday would be "chore day". So, I was put off because it was a higher priority that they weed and feed the lawn.
Then, there is my friend Cat. There have been any number of times I could name where I have dropped everything to be there for her. She is going through some difficult times with her daughter and she and her partner of five years have split. I have even assisted her financially because of the mess her partner left her with. Well, I just tried to call her to see what she was up to. She was very cold on the phone and I was simply told "I'm busy". (She was fishing, btw)
Shall we go on... basically I am the friend that is there whenever my friends need me: they can call on me anytime of the day or night (and they have)and I am there, I am counselor, emotional support, physical support, whatever they need I provide. Yet, I am not a priority to any of my friends. This is not the first time I have experienced these brush offs and I am getting just a little sick and tired of it. I value my friends and want to be able to spend time with them, but I am tired of being put off or rescheduled. Yet, time and time again I find myself willing to change my plans and schedules for them because this is the only way I can see them or spend time with them.
Is it wrong of me to feel insulted because weed and feed is more important? Is it wrong that I feel slighted because I friend I have been there for through thick and thin cannot spend 5 minutes talking to me because she would rather be baiting a hook?
How do I make the people in my life realize that they are making me feel used and useless at the same time? Or am I wrong?
no subject
Next time somebody needs you, I'd be ready to respond with, "I'm sorry, but I have to weed-and-feed today," or with, "I'm busy."
no subject
If you need a helping handing I am there, If you need 20 bucks to fill your gas tank I will give it to you, if you need a shoulder to cry on I have two and they are reusable.
I have never been able to turn from a person in need.
I guess that makes me the perfect doormat.
Hugs
Irish
no subject
You said above that you "flatly told Eagle, 'I know you have your priorities,'" but honestly, you told him nothing. Flatly telling him something would be along the lines of, "I realize that yardwork/errands/etc is important to you, but after what happened last weekend, I thought we were closer than that, and I wanted to spend some personal time with you."
Say what you want, and say it clearly. If they refuse, then you need to move on.
But most importantly: You're being treated as a doormat because you allow yourself to be treated so. Eleanor Roosevelt said this, and I live by it. You teach others how to treat you. You have taught him that you will come at the drop of a hat, do whatever he asks, etc.
Perhaps it is time to walk away from him, take time out, so to speak. No phone calls, nothing. And give yourself time to find out who you are, not who you are in relation to him.
One last thing: You perceive that you are "needed." You are not -- his life will continue on, the hamster wheel will continue to spin, as the saying goes. You are wanted, and you go. This makes you feel good -- temporarily. But he is an adult; his life will go wherever he directs it. If you are not there, what happens is not your responsibility, just as what happens in your life when he is not around is not his responsibility.
You need to take time for yourself, and put yourself first. You can make excuses, or you can do this. It's neither cold-hearted nor extreme. It's simply loving and respecting yourself. If you don't love and respect yourself, how do you expect others to?
x
Stern Lula, who's Been There, Done That, and Ain't Goin' Back Again
no subject
I appreciate the fact you called yourself "stern" rather than mean, hard or cold.
You are right. I did not say to him what I was feeling which was more along the lines of "nice to know putting weed and feed on your lawn is more important to you than our friendship." Rather blunt and to the point. The really funny thing in all of this is, this is the man who 18 years ago described me as "abrasive" because he felt I was too in your face honest. Apparently, being subversive is not going to get my point across so perhaps I need to dust off the "old Irish".
Hugs