Opinions and Advice please...

[irishredlass]

Okay, here is my problem:

I am beginning to think I am either the most expendable person in the universe or just a doormat and I do not know how to fix the problem, but I am getting tired of it.

First, there is my Eagle and his new twit. Last weekend was all a flurry, he was in the hospital and I was needed. I put everything on hold (not that I had any major plans) and went to his side. I spent the better part of 4 days in the ICU with him and then ran all of the needed errands when he was released. We made plans that I would go over there today and spend some time. I called last evening to confirm those plans and was told perhaps next weekend would be more convenient for them. They had decided that Sunday would be "chore day". So, I was put off because it was a higher priority that they weed and feed the lawn.

Then, there is my friend Cat. There have been any number of times I could name where I have dropped everything to be there for her. She is going through some difficult times with her daughter and she and her partner of five years have split. I have even assisted her financially because of the mess her partner left her with. Well, I just tried to call her to see what she was up to. She was very cold on the phone and I was simply told "I'm busy". (She was fishing, btw)

Shall we go on... basically I am the friend that is there whenever my friends need me: they can call on me anytime of the day or night (and they have)and I am there, I am counselor, emotional support, physical support, whatever they need I provide. Yet, I am not a priority to any of my friends. This is not the first time I have experienced these brush offs and I am getting just a little sick and tired of it. I value my friends and want to be able to spend time with them, but I am tired of being put off or rescheduled. Yet, time and time again I find myself willing to change my plans and schedules for them because this is the only way I can see them or spend time with them.

Is it wrong of me to feel insulted because weed and feed is more important? Is it wrong that I feel slighted because I friend I have been there for through thick and thin cannot spend 5 minutes talking to me because she would rather be baiting a hook?

How do I make the people in my life realize that they are making me feel used and useless at the same time? Or am I wrong?

Comments

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

Hmph. Does this sound familiar... I had a friend for whom I was there lots and lots. I listened to her whines and gripes and misinterpretations of the world, gave her a shoulder to cry on, and encouragement to move on. When I needed her, when I was going through post-natal depression, I was apparently "using" her by telephoning every week and wanting to talk about things other than how awful was feeling. I tried to fix the friendship a couple of years later, and I came away from that weekend wondering if there had ever been a friendship at all.

I can only pass on the wisest of wise words froma very wise man who was my supervisor at university:

If people take you for granted and use you and disregard your feelings and assume you won't mind, whatever they do, there is no point geetting all loud and aggressive about it - but what you MUST do is tell them, clearly and calmly that what they are doing is unacceptable, and why it is unacceptable.

So - Eagle, having received years of your care and support, and having been helped through a terrible crisis by you, turnns round and tells you he'd rather mow the lawn than spend some time with you. So tell him, with no sarcasm or anger - that's unkind and hurtful; I am unhappy that you rate me lower than a tidy garden; there's nothing I can do about your attitude, but you should know that I am deeply unhappy about this. Period. Same approach with the friend.

People find it hard to take this kind of calm assertiveness - and believe me it is hard to do. It also risks, for you, leaving behind some things that have been a part of your life (people, behaviours) for a long time - and that hurts. But it hurts more to let yourself be used and thrown away. You're worth more than that.

I know it's easy to say this sort of thing, especially at such distance, and when you and I don't even know what kind of friends we would be to each other if we had a closer relationship, but I don't like to see anyone with your kind of strength being so taken for granted.

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

Dear Dicky,

I believe should you and I ever have the pleasure of meeting in RL we would become fast friends.

You have so eloquently put into words what I need to be able to do if for no one else, but myself.

I do need to be able to tell Eagle without malice that his actions have hurt me and are unacceptable if he chooses to maintain a friendship with me. The problem is I do not know if I can do so without emotion. It is very difficult for me to stand up for myself.

I am the champion of the downtrodden and lost causes. I seek to right injustice in the world, but I have a very hard time setting the record straight for myself.

Thank you for your care and support.
Hugs
Irish

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Doing it without emotion is the ost difficult thing - I sstill haven't got the hang of it very well, after 20 years, but it's coming... Doing it when the event confronts you isn't something that can easily be mastered. However, you can steel yourself - even if it takes days - and make that call or have that brief face to face conversation (and keep it brief, say what you have to say, then leave), and then deal with your personal emotional fallout when you're alone again.

People who give as much as you do allow other people to have a great deal of power over their own happiness - and it takes a certainamount of ruthlessness with yourself and bluntness with them to take it back into your own hands.

It would be good to meet sometime - one day, one day...