Opinions and Advice please...

[irishredlass]

Okay, here is my problem:

I am beginning to think I am either the most expendable person in the universe or just a doormat and I do not know how to fix the problem, but I am getting tired of it.

First, there is my Eagle and his new twit. Last weekend was all a flurry, he was in the hospital and I was needed. I put everything on hold (not that I had any major plans) and went to his side. I spent the better part of 4 days in the ICU with him and then ran all of the needed errands when he was released. We made plans that I would go over there today and spend some time. I called last evening to confirm those plans and was told perhaps next weekend would be more convenient for them. They had decided that Sunday would be "chore day". So, I was put off because it was a higher priority that they weed and feed the lawn.

Then, there is my friend Cat. There have been any number of times I could name where I have dropped everything to be there for her. She is going through some difficult times with her daughter and she and her partner of five years have split. I have even assisted her financially because of the mess her partner left her with. Well, I just tried to call her to see what she was up to. She was very cold on the phone and I was simply told "I'm busy". (She was fishing, btw)

Shall we go on... basically I am the friend that is there whenever my friends need me: they can call on me anytime of the day or night (and they have)and I am there, I am counselor, emotional support, physical support, whatever they need I provide. Yet, I am not a priority to any of my friends. This is not the first time I have experienced these brush offs and I am getting just a little sick and tired of it. I value my friends and want to be able to spend time with them, but I am tired of being put off or rescheduled. Yet, time and time again I find myself willing to change my plans and schedules for them because this is the only way I can see them or spend time with them.

Is it wrong of me to feel insulted because weed and feed is more important? Is it wrong that I feel slighted because I friend I have been there for through thick and thin cannot spend 5 minutes talking to me because she would rather be baiting a hook?

How do I make the people in my life realize that they are making me feel used and useless at the same time? Or am I wrong?

Comments

[ihkelele.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I'm late, and nearly anything I could think has already been said. I agree in particular with Elise_Wanderer (and what a gorgeous cheering-up gift BTW!) and Lula, in the sense that you probably should firstly try to sort things out with yourself. Why do you do what you do for these people, what are you expecting from them, how are your expectations likely to be met.
THEN you should confront them, keeping in mind that you are a wonderful person and don't deserve to be dismissed or treated poorly. I wouldn't tell them how "they make you feel" (it would only add to their feeling indebted and could even result in more hurt - I experience this with my son: when he feels guilty he becomes aggressive and says things he doesn't really think, just for defence) but rather, and very sternly, how "you expect to be treated" - speaking of the hurt might come later, once things have been settled somehow and you are safely into a rational exchange.

Besides the differences in character, nurturing aspects vs. need for "me-time," etc. there's another point I've learned with time, i.e. that any tangible 'give' (like favours done, time spent helping, and, worst of all, money lent) often generates the opposite effect in the receiver. They feel grateful, but they also feel indebted, and have no idea how to reciprocate, nor, which is worse, how the giver is expecting them to reciprocate.
It's like they are afraid the giver has a right to ask more than they are prepared to allow in return - and they usually take the coward way out. I'm not saying that people do that consciously, but at times it's easier to deal with fish and hook or with gardening than with people, in particular when there are layers of unspoken feelings involved.

*squishes you*

[irishredlass69.livejournal.com]

I understand what you are saying and believe they could be having the thoughts and feelings that you mention. The things is though for me until recently I have not "expected" anything in return. The only thing I ask is to be treated with kindness and respect. To be treated as if I am a person of value rather than a convenience. I do not want to be their foul weather friend I just want to be their friend.