Hmph. Does this sound familiar... I had a friend for whom I was there lots and lots. I listened to her whines and gripes and misinterpretations of the world, gave her a shoulder to cry on, and encouragement to move on. When I needed her, when I was going through post-natal depression, I was apparently "using" her by telephoning every week and wanting to talk about things other than how awful was feeling. I tried to fix the friendship a couple of years later, and I came away from that weekend wondering if there had ever been a friendship at all.
I can only pass on the wisest of wise words froma very wise man who was my supervisor at university:
If people take you for granted and use you and disregard your feelings and assume you won't mind, whatever they do, there is no point geetting all loud and aggressive about it - but what you MUST do is tell them, clearly and calmly that what they are doing is unacceptable, and why it is unacceptable.
So - Eagle, having received years of your care and support, and having been helped through a terrible crisis by you, turnns round and tells you he'd rather mow the lawn than spend some time with you. So tell him, with no sarcasm or anger - that's unkind and hurtful; I am unhappy that you rate me lower than a tidy garden; there's nothing I can do about your attitude, but you should know that I am deeply unhappy about this. Period. Same approach with the friend.
People find it hard to take this kind of calm assertiveness - and believe me it is hard to do. It also risks, for you, leaving behind some things that have been a part of your life (people, behaviours) for a long time - and that hurts. But it hurts more to let yourself be used and thrown away. You're worth more than that.
I know it's easy to say this sort of thing, especially at such distance, and when you and I don't even know what kind of friends we would be to each other if we had a closer relationship, but I don't like to see anyone with your kind of strength being so taken for granted.
no subject
I can only pass on the wisest of wise words froma very wise man who was my supervisor at university:
If people take you for granted and use you and disregard your feelings and assume you won't mind, whatever they do, there is no point geetting all loud and aggressive about it - but what you MUST do is tell them, clearly and calmly that what they are doing is unacceptable, and why it is unacceptable.
So - Eagle, having received years of your care and support, and having been helped through a terrible crisis by you, turnns round and tells you he'd rather mow the lawn than spend some time with you. So tell him, with no sarcasm or anger - that's unkind and hurtful; I am unhappy that you rate me lower than a tidy garden; there's nothing I can do about your attitude, but you should know that I am deeply unhappy about this. Period. Same approach with the friend.
People find it hard to take this kind of calm assertiveness - and believe me it is hard to do. It also risks, for you, leaving behind some things that have been a part of your life (people, behaviours) for a long time - and that hurts. But it hurts more to let yourself be used and thrown away. You're worth more than that.
I know it's easy to say this sort of thing, especially at such distance, and when you and I don't even know what kind of friends we would be to each other if we had a closer relationship, but I don't like to see anyone with your kind of strength being so taken for granted.